The Law of the Playground
the pupil report of
jon james
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The Law of the Playground challenges you, the reader to decide... TRUE FOREVER? OR LIKE WHATEVER?
The jap's eye game required a group of girls and a group of boys. A girl would dare a boy to insert something into his jap's eye. If he successfully did this, the girl had to remove it with her mouth (preferably not directly with the teeth). If the boy failed in the insertion process, his punishment was not getting a girl's mouth on his nob.
The best I managed was a blade of grass. My mate Robin got a twig in there. Hard as she tried though, (and she tried VERY hard) the girl involved just couldn't pull it out. Robin ended up in tears, and had to go to the school nurse, and then hospital. With a twig sticking out of the end of his nob.
I laughed for around three or four days.
So what do YOU think? An everyday tale of underaged urethra-play? Or retrospective wish-fulfillment from the boy who spent too much time reading? TRUE FOREVER? OR LIKE, WHATEVER?
approved Oct 3 2005, submitted Nov 30 2004 by jon james
"CAN YOU BEES?" screamed Henry as he sat on fellow special needster Alan, "CAN YOU BEES?"
approved Feb 10 2005, submitted Nov 30 2004 by jon james
The cry uttered by me during a complex game of cops and robbers, where the criminal element was far more varied. "I'm a murderer!" "I'm a drug dealer!" etc.
For about a week after the incident, I couldn't sit near a girl without her crying out "Jon, stop trying to rape me!" and occasionally hitting me.
I'm not a rapist. Honest.
The Editors of Playground Law wish to let it be known that they do not endorse Jon James' claim not to be a rapist. If you have been raped by Jon James, please go to the police. Alternately, tell your story here, and we'll do our best to get him sent down for good.
approved Dec 16 2004, submitted Nov 20 2004 by jon james
A statement which started as a joke,but which evolved in many interesting ways, my favourite being as a method of absolution.
E.g."Terrance, if you're not going to shut up, you're going to have to leave the room."
"It's not his fault miss, his dad's on crack."
It was used so often that people started to believe that Terrance's dad WAS actually on crack, and things got so bad that Terrance's dad eventually felt the need to pay a visit to our class. He explained that he was not on crack, and was actually a factory worker. We all remained silent throughout the speech, until my friend Nick raised his hand.
"Yes?" said Terrance's dad.
"How can you afford to raise a family and keep up a crack habit on a factory worker's salary?"
approved Apr 23 2005, submitted Nov 19 2004 by jon james
In primary school, reasoning that drug dealing was the ultimate in cool, yet lacking the knowledge of what a drug dealer actually did, I decided to collect cigarette butts, peel away the paper, and store the filter tips in a certain drainpipe in the playground.

This became a surprisingly successful craze at my school, lasting for a good few weeks before a teacher was told about our glamourous and highly illegal exploits and broke up the cartel.
approved Nov 27 2004, submitted Nov 19 2004 by jon james
The self-chosen name our school's foremost rap duo. Marginally better than if they'd called themselves "Ping and Pong", or "MC Hello Dolly and the Belgrano Connection", I suppose. But only marginally.
approved Nov 19 2004, submitted Nov 16 2004 by jon james
A game devised in Year 11, and something of the antithesis of the more subtle game, "fuck". It basically involved going up to Mr. Stove, our Science teacher, and saying the word "fuck" to him.
e.g: "Sir, I'm not sure I understand this equation for measuring acceleration. Fuck."
or "Mr. Stove, can you tell Andrew to leave me alone? Fuck."
"Fuck" had to be said clearly, and could not be disguised in the middle of a sentence, or as part of another word. Not saying "fuck" once you had made your approach resulted in a beating. Mr Stove never reacted in anger. In fact, he hever gave any signs of giving the tiniest shit.
approved Nov 19 2004, submitted Nov 16 2004 by jon james
An all-purpose phrase, as long as the purpose is to stop Richard talking, responding to an insult, kicking a ball, sitting near you, or otherwise having any dealings with the world around him.
Best said in an exhausted and really loud voice, so everyone turns around to see what it was that Richard was trying this time.
After some months of such training, Richard will automatically not try it, and require only a raised finger and eyebrow to shut him up, if a look of hopeful interaction flickers across his face, or any sounds start to come out of his mouth.
approved Nov 16 2004, submitted Nov 14 2004 by jon james
This should be bellowed at volume in a packed corridor, giving all present license to start shoving and punching those in close proximity.
approved Apr 24 2005, submitted Nov 14 2004 by jon james