The Law of the Playground
the pupil report of
Bionic Sheep
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It seems that Dunc Cameron's entry about the DJ button has sparked a wave of nostalgia amongst our contributors. Here are just a few (all) of the many (some) we received.
The DJ button is indeed the finest thing ever put on a keyboard. Our Music lessons were a doss at the best of times, but the day we discovered the uses of the DJ button was like finding the Holy Grail.
This culminated in a couple of lads using the moaning sounds to recreate a porn soundtrack. All it really needed was the kid next to them playing a bit of 70s funk guitar, and if you shut your eyes, it'd have been perfect.
(Anonymous user)

The DJ button also infuriated our teacher. When asked to go away and write a composition, those with the new Yamaha keyboards would invariably come back with a mishmash of orgasmic moans, "DJ!" and "Dictionary" (another function). We were eventually banned from using that key.
(Nicky w)

Pressing a certain combination of keys under the DJ setting can produce the phrase "COME ON! YO! MOM!". Which is, frankly, class.
(Andrew Barnes)

I remember that you could push the keys in a certain order to make it cry out "DJ! Push the- dic- dic- dic- OH YEAH- One more time!"
(Bionic Sheep)

And lastly...
I'm still at school, and I'd like to say that making a Yamaha keyboard say "Lesbian!" on the DJ function for an hour every Monday morning brings immense happiness, as well as bragging rights.
(Anonymous user)

So there you have it. The DJ button is OFFICIALLY the best button ever. Not even the off switch on Jimmy Carr's life support machine comes close. - Matt
approved Aug 29 2006, submitted Jul 29 2006 by Bionic Sheep, anonymous user, Nicky w, Andrew Barnes
Blakey's dad was not amused by the memo I left for him in his homework diary, in thick permanent marker.

"Memo:" it read, "Bum Dad."
approved Dec 2 2005, submitted Dec 1 2005 by Bionic Sheep
Pupil A: "Pupil B is a gay icon, you know, miss!"
Teacher: "Well, he can't help being attractive."

This was made all the worse by the fact that said teacher was the fattest cake-mountain ever to roll her merry way into our school. I mean, she once told us there might be stains on our books because she'd been eating chocolate cake while she marked them. If that isn't asking for it, what exactly is?
approved Mar 21 2008, submitted Nov 21 2005 by Bionic Sheep
The 'bully box' was a small, square box mounted on a wall in our school reception. The idea was that you put the name of whoever was bullying you in there, and the teachers can then deal with the problem without you having to go public with your grassing.
There are obvious flaws with this; the anonymity means that there is no proof of any misdemeanour, and the system is clearly open to abuse by reporting innocent people. But by far the biggest flaw is that the box has never ever been opened.
My theory is that it has become a kind of Pandora's Box, and if it is ever opened, all the dead arms in the entire world will be released at once.
approved Aug 1 2005, submitted Jul 27 2005 by Bionic Sheep
Part of the same family of words as Scunthorpe, crumpet and KT Tunstall, as words you can easily amend to cunt (or kunt).
The best possible scenario is getting a teacher to read out this Dungeon Masteresque riddle - "once you have connected the wire, the cunt should be significantly higher".
approved Dec 20 2005, submitted Jul 27 2005 by Bionic Sheep
This theory was pushed to its very limits when we set fire to a desk and started doing deodourant-flamethrowers in front of a cover teacher in our drama class. Punishment? Not a sausage.
approved Jul 27 2005, submitted Jul 23 2005 by Bionic Sheep
To this day I have puzzled over a third year primary school child who, in a delirious gloating panic, ran up to one of the teachers exclaiming "Miss, Miss, he just said the 'M' word!"

It's no good. Thirty minutes thought I've given to this now, at my employer's expense. Does anyone know what the 'M' word is? - Conor
approved Nov 17 2005, submitted Jul 16 2005 by Bionic Sheep
Huh, call THAT 'Weary disdain'? In one of our early food technology lessons, we were told to design menus for a fictional restaurant.

The highpoint of this lesson was when we convinced our nice but naive friend Becky that 'spunk' was in fact a type of cheese and she duely put 'spunk sandwiches' on her menu and handed it in. THAT, my friend was 'weary disdain'.
approved Jul 19 2005, submitted Jul 15 2005 by Bionic Sheep
The coolest of the "gun" weapons to be found in a school, beating glue guns by a fucking mile.

It is possible to launch yourself through the air, with a staple gun in each hand, firing John Woo-style into planks of wood across the room.

For closer-range attacks, simply staple a Dairylea triangle to the wall in reception. Some bursting may occur, but ours stayed there long enough to go rotten. Perhaps they thought it was science.
approved May 27 2007, submitted Jul 15 2005 by Bionic Sheep
In what, with hindsight, can now be seen as a cry for help from a very lonely boy, Pavandeep started pinching people's phones and 'bluetoothing' the pictures and videos of them going out and having fun to his own phone, so he could show his parents and pretend that he was there.

There was a time when exclusion didn't involve technology. I remember it well - Conor

approved Oct 31 2005, submitted Jul 14 2005 by Bionic Sheep
In St. Martin's school there was also a sign concerning the directions to the Swimming Poo.

So simple, and yet so effective.
approved Jul 25 2005, submitted Jul 14 2005 by Bionic Sheep
When Drama lessons are taken with a cover teacher, every task set should somehow degrade into graphic homosexual acts.
If they try to protest, give them a fierce look, and reproachfully say "we're only acting, Miss".
approved Dec 16 2004, submitted Nov 27 2004 by Bionic Sheep
The hardest kid that I know managed to give himself a burn in the shape of a J. His name was Simon. Note that Simon does not begin with, or contain, a J.
Five years later, though, that stubborn little J is still there. Simon shows neither regret nor pride. Or any evidence of really having thought about it.
approved Apr 20 2005, submitted Nov 26 2004 by Bionic Sheep