The Law of the Playground
the pupil report of
Name Withheld
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A craze that developed in the last year of secondary school, and one practiced only by a fully qualified minority of lovable thugs.

Barebacking involved grabbing someone, lifting the back of their top up, and then furiously slapping the victim's back. It was just something that occasionally happened to you - it was never a tool for singling out the weak, and it was never personal.

Unless you were Abdullah. He would get chased, entirely topless, across the playground, before getting body-slammed into a wall and punched in the spine for fifteen minutes.

Log says:
What other terms for specific kinds of fucking have been stolen by schoolchildren to mean acts of sexless brutality? Did your school use "double fisting" to mean two punches? Maybe you thought "rainbow kisses" were something to do with sherbet and ponies, or something. Let us know!
approved Aug 3 2005, submitted Aug 2 2005 by Name Withheld
If you nick a pound coin off someone, and put it on top of a prittstick in the middle of the table, they will never find it. Ever.
Technically, this theory has only been tested once, on Hardeep. But it worked; he spent an entire science lesson growing more and more furious with us for hiding his pound coin. We spent the entire lesson laughing ourselves daft and staring blatantly at the shiny pound coin sitting proudly atop the prittstick in plain view.
approved May 19 2005, submitted May 8 2005 by Name Withheld
One PE lesson I hid, with a bunch of equally physically inept mates, behind a wall which was being used as one of the goals for a game of football. Amos, a normally tolerated child, was in that goal. Sadly, he soon let one in. For about five minutes after this he stood there, watching the game and repeating, through gritted teeth, the phrase that would haunt him for the next two years: "Keep it together, Amos!" This would be repeated to him after every slap to the head, after every drop of a pencil, after every sneeze. Ironically, he very rarely did keep it together, regularly going into a total rage in response to the taunts. The pinnacle of this was when it was said, unwittingly, by a teacher in Science. He ended up on the floor, in tears. Never have I felt such love for a teacher. Except Ms Freeman. She was fit.
approved Jun 19 2005, submitted May 6 2005 by Name Withheld
"The Wheels of Death" were quite simply the most efficient killing system employed by anyone since Auschwitz.
1. Gather up as many snails as you can find. A damp school playground is an excellent place to look. A tupperware container is useful to store your molluscy trophies.
2. Find a nearby car that you know will be driven soon. If you're doing this at school, now is an excellent time to take a trip to the teachers' car park.
3. Place the snails all around the tyres of this car. They will conveniently stick themselves to the tyres!
4. Wait. Wait wait wait.
5. The door closes. The engine starts up. The car reverses up to pull out. The first few snails pop satisfyingly, a mere teaser.
As the car slowly drives away, listen to that rhythmic crunch.
That is the sound of death, my friends.
approved Feb 9 2005, submitted Jan 12 2005 by Name Withheld
After the title "God and Morality", simply write "...sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G". It worked for me.
approved Apr 21 2005, submitted Jan 12 2005 by Name Withheld
An unbelievably manly game devised by a group of friends during one of many uneventful PE lessons. It involved throwing a stone into the air and waiting, face up, for it to come back down. The aim was to "catch" it on your forehead.
Damien broke his tooth and started crying. The rubbish baby.
approved Apr 23 2005, submitted Jan 9 2005 by Name Withheld