The Law of the Playground
the pupil report of
Cherry Green
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Childish insult that, in adulthood becomes one of the most cutting things imaginable. Try it. Call someone a berk today!

Many thanks to all the Cockneys who completely missed the fucking point and wrote in to tell us that berk is actually rhyming slang for cunt and very rude indeed, actually. 'Cuntybollocks' is rude. And so is 'why don't you just bloody piss on your nan's bum, you cuntybollocks'. 'Berk', 'nitwit' and 'der-brain' are not. Jesus. - Ponky
approved Sep 30 2006, submitted Sep 12 2006 by Cherry Green
...was the favourite witicism of damaged child-hater Mr MacDowall.

I am, in fact, a comedian now, but I feel that going through the Poole/Bournemouth phone book looking up all the T Macdowalls and shouting "Ha! Yes I am actually" would say more about me than him.

Just broadcast it on the internet then, love. There's a pet. - Jamie.
approved May 19 2006, submitted May 8 2006 by Cherry Green
When I were a lass, "Bumming" also meant only to hit someone with the arse, not the greasy anal violation we take it to mean now. For example, "I bummed my sister so hard in the face that she fell over and broke a tooth." Brilliant!
approved Mar 29 2006, submitted Feb 2 2006 by Cherry Green
After George's Marvellous Medicine was read on Jackanory (by Rik Mayall), my sister and I elected to make our own version. But rather than having curative properties, ours would be deadly toxic, and we would use it to poison the children at our school for whom we harboured a dark hatred.
So a Stork Margarine container was procured and a series of top-secret raids on household cupboards was organised. We managed to include a paracetamol, numerous cleaning products, goldfish medicine, Jolen facial hair bleach and shampoo. In a fit of conscience, my sister threw the medicine down the lav while I was occupied, riding around the garden in horse form. Her feeble excuse was that we cant just go round poisoning people at the school. Surely she had not thought this was any more than a childish game? I wasnt really going to poison anyone; I just wanted to make sure they didnt go down with fin rot.
approved Jan 15 2006, submitted Jan 13 2006 by Cherry Green
A child at my school attempted to evade the associated pounding of turning up to school with a spanking new basin hair cut by claiming that it wasn't a basin, it was 'curtains' which where "closed".
I've never seen such a beating.
approved Dec 20 2005, submitted Dec 14 2005 by Cherry Green
School bully and all round fat cunt Rebecca Stubbs was flattened by me applying my maypole ribbon across her overdeveloped chest as we danced around the Maypole. Kudos lasted only until break time when I had to hide.
Sadly, despite the limited opportunity for premeditated assault, Maypole dancing was the only Pagan rite tolerated by our school. My requests for a wicker man went entirely unheeded.
What about Morris dancing? A dried pig's bladder upside da bitch's head wouldda been DOPE - Mansh
approved Dec 1 2005, submitted Dec 1 2005 by Cherry Green
One September the pupils of St Mary's RC School in Poole returned from the summer break amid some excitement and trepidation at the new markings on the playground. Among the typical hopscotch grids was what appeared to be an oversized compass, with Magnetic North clearly marked on it.
We were left wondering what the fuck we were supposed to do with it. A few half hearted attempts to base games around it were made (Did you play Let's Stare North!, and West-Walking Hullaballoo? They were my favourites - Log), before we decided to ignore it, as it was most likely for Muslims to point at Mecca.
approved Nov 29 2005, submitted Nov 25 2005 by Cherry Green
A glorious juxtaposition of 'brilliant' and 'Skill', and more than the sum of its parts. Recently re-adopted into my modern vernacular via the discovery of a tipp-exed cherry is skillient on a GCSE history folder.

approved May 10 2005, submitted Apr 26 2005 by Cherry Green