The Law of the Playground
the pupil report of
Gotty Gotty
Search LOTP
Class spacker David Howell turned up to non-uniform day dressed as a cowboy.

Oddly, when we saw his little dejected face drop as he realised his mistake, our vicious hearts melted. We spent the rest of the day trying to pretend that a cowboy costume was the height of fashion, to reduce the risk of poor David being tormented by other pupils. It was a genuine moment of altruism towards someone less fortunate than ourselves.

Even now, just talking about it makes me feel sick.
approved Aug 11 2005, submitted Aug 9 2005 by Gotty Gotty
A purple durple was also known as a "Chinese Radio" because it looked like someone tuning one of the old style radios with two knobs and made the recipient go "EEEEEEOWEEEOEOOOOOOOOWWWWWEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOWWOOOOOOOOOW!" You know, like all the Chinese do.
approved Sep 25 2005, submitted Aug 8 2005 by Gotty Gotty
We found two fluorescent strip bulbs discarded intact out the back of the sweet shop.
It turns out only one of them breaks under impact with each other, showering you both with shards of glass and toxic dust.
Like Conkers for REAL men.
approved Jul 31 2005, submitted Jul 30 2005 by Gotty Gotty
Another classic "clever teacher punishment" is to make you write an essay, detailing why your behaviour was wrong; when you hand it in, they simply screw it up and throw it away.

This was supposedly intended to dishearten and break the spirit of the wrongdoer. In reality, it just let the student know that they didn't really care if you'd learned your lesson, which is as good as saying "do it again, it was brilliant".

Get the best of every world by writing an essay on why Mr Deller is a big tit who insists on being called PC Deller when he's only in the fucking specials, MNNGNG. It's a big gamble that you can only lose, and it's not at all worth it, but... you might as well.
approved Oct 11 2005, submitted Jul 30 2005 by Gotty Gotty
Graham Barnes was a very special boy. He had to have an orange for dessert at lunch because normal puddings like angel delight or jelly would DO things to him. He was pale, thin and quiet.

One day he got up from his chair and walked out of class. A few intrigued souls stuck their heads round the door to be treated to the sight of him shuffling down the corridor with his trousers down, leaving a breadcrumb-esque trail of little poos behind him.

Graham moved to a different school. Many years later I boarded the bus to college and sat down, to be greeted by his smiling face and a jolly "Y'alright?"

I, naturally, could only respond with "don't talk to me, poo-boy!"
approved Oct 26 2011, submitted Jul 30 2005 by Gotty Gotty
Laughter is also apparently inappropriate when the Scout leader who once stopped you sneaking out during the night on camp to shag the first girl you ever loved cops it in a car accident.

It is especially inappropriate when accompanied by thrusting your arms into the air and shouting "Hey lads, Giddy's dead!" in joyous tones. This can lead to push-ups beyond number being administered by Giddy's fellow scout leader and best friend who is stood behind you.
approved Aug 1 2005, submitted Jul 30 2005 by Gotty Gotty
Another tale of schoolboy drug peddling. It's a jungle out there, kids.

Adair once sold an oxo cube to Bewey, claiming that it was finest uncut Columbian Red Gold Leb Squidgy Seal or something along those lines.
When Bewey realised he'd been conned, he demanded his 40 quid back; otherwise, he said, he would tell the head of year.
The laughter didn't stop until long after he had realised his schoolboy error and stomped off with moths fluttering out of his empty pockets.
approved Jul 18 2005, submitted Jul 7 2005 by Gotty Gotty
We were required to form a band as part of our Music lessons and this was the result.
Ice Desert were:
Guitar: Butler
Keyboard: Ratcliffe
Hitting a glockenspiel with one stick: Smithy
Lyrics, "singing" and artistic direction: Me
Our first (and only) song was a cutting insight into apathy, caused by the monotony of everyday life. I believed, however, that my voice was louder than it was, and that the levels on the mic were far too high compared to the other instruments.
Our first (and only) gig consisted of the others playing what passed for the tune, while I occasionally spoke, "I don't want this", into the microphone, which was being pushed desperately into my hands by the teacher with a frantic look on her face.
approved Aug 3 2005, submitted Jul 7 2005 by Gotty Gotty
Tom Danby's sister looked more like a boy than he did. That's saying something when you consider that Danby looked like a big chimp with a stress vein on its forehead, stuffed into a school uniform.
approved Aug 20 2005, submitted Jul 7 2005 by Gotty Gotty
Take one of everything with a picture of a skull or some fire on it out of the kitchen, and/or shed. Mix. Put mixture in one of those garden spray containers for misting plants. Spray directly onto spider's webs then poke the middle to make them come scurrying out. Light.
That'll teach the little fuckers for having eight legs and being creepy.
approved Jul 13 2005, submitted May 17 2005 by Gotty Gotty