The Law of the Playground
the pupil report of
Alana S
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Maths teacher Mr Veevers is the source of no amusing stories, but has lent his name in perpetuity to the V-sign. Most of my class failed algebra because we spent every lesson flicking the veevers at Veevers's back.
approved Dec 2 2005, submitted Nov 22 2005 by Alana S
A vaginal fart. Also useful for attracting the attention of Keith, who will say "what?" Hilarity will be waiting just around the corner.
approved Oct 5 2005, submitted Aug 25 2005 by Alana S
"You can't hit me on my BCG," declared my younger sister confidently, "it's too small."
I fucking could. First try. YES.
approved Aug 12 2005, submitted Aug 11 2005 by Alana S
Futuristic suffix, essential in games involving robots or Daleks.
Usage: put on a metallic voice and declare "I. AM. ALANATRON. EX. TER. MIN. ATE." A warning to people whose names rhymed with Tron, though. "I. AM. JOHN. TRON." makes you sound like a bit of a gaybot, marks you out as a target for ex. sperm. in. ation.
Tron making regular objects sound futuristic and robotic, it's arguable that William's arcade game Robotron 2024 was gilding the lily a touch.
approved Oct 3 2005, submitted Aug 11 2005 by Alana S, Jon Blyth
At the age of eight, we managed to convince pikey Sophie James that having an orgasm was a terrible thing, by admonishing "Don't have an orgasm, Sophie" every time she showed the slightest hint of excitement. After about the millionth time, the phrase would set her off into a monumental tantrum: she'd screech, stamp her feet, bellow "I HAVEN'T HAD AN ORGASM!", and run off to cry in the toilets.
Fifteen years later, I can't help wondering if she still does this when her boyfriend asks her "Did you come, dear?"
approved Oct 3 2005, submitted Aug 4 2005 by Alana S
The Guff Trumpet: Take one trumpet, guff with vigour into the horn end, and "play" it at other pupils. Be careful not to inhale.
approved Aug 1 2005, submitted Aug 1 2005 by Alana S
The Geography department's Scrap Paper box.
approved Aug 8 2005, submitted Jul 4 2005 by Alana S