The Law of the Playground
the pupil report of
Scott Douglas
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Me and a friend got N64s for Christmas (complete with rumble paks) and spent a day charging our Diddy Kong racing karts into walls, with our controllers resting gently against the crotch. This was also completely innocent and not gay. Of course, this was back in the day when Mario and Luigi were just good friends and their moustaches were mere symbols of good, honest pluck - not the bumrimming arsecowboys we are wrongly led to perceive them as today.
approved Apr 7 2006, submitted Mar 29 2006 by Scott Douglas
I don't think it has ever been established whether the feeling of 6 sneezes in a row equals an orgasm, or if you sneeze 6 times, the sheer power results in uncontrollable ejaculation. When experimenting, do not use an extremely sharp pencil to induce sneezes in art class as it will result in a nosebleed.
approved May 2 2006, submitted Mar 29 2006 by Scott Douglas
Scabby Queen
This is basically the game Old Maid. The "scabby" element comes from the punishment for losing, which is a number of scrapes to the knuckles with the whole deck. The number and violence of the scrapes is determined by cutting the cards (red = soft taps, black = full-blooded whacks, value of card = number of hits).
Convincing a gullible child that any card they draw is worth 20 and concealing a credit card in the deck prior to administering the scrapes will ensure maximum bleeding. If you're a schoolkid with a credit card, that is.

A 2-player game that saves all that fucking around with Scabby Queen rules. Player One cuts. Player Two gives Player One the appropriate number of scrapes as hard as they fucking well can. Player Two cuts. Repeat until either player can�t take any more.
There are arguably no real winners in this game. However, if the player administering the scrapes drops the deck of cards, the other player is entitled to give them fifty-two scrapes. I only saw this happen once, but it resulted in a hand that looked like it had got stuck in a bacon slicer.
approved Mar 29 2006, submitted Mar 27 2006 by Scott Douglas, Matt Fasham
A game similar to 'Scissors Paper Stone'.
Option 1 (denoted by making a fist) - look at a reflection of a photo of Sket's mum, one where shes not facing the camera, from 2 miles away.
Option 2 (denoted by a flat palm) - get done in the bum by the entire New Zealand rugby team, whilst being watched by a couple of silverback gorillas, who then join in for seconds.
Everyone shows a flat palm, even Sket.
approved Mar 31 2006, submitted Mar 27 2006 by Scott Douglas
'Pastime' derived from an Indian sport that used to be on Channel 4. The actual game involved two teams of Indians in nappies on a dusty court, with the apparent aim being to hit each other in the legs. Why, with a little fine tuning, this would make a great playground game, we said.
We 'fine tuned' it to the point where we actually just beat each other up whilst yelling "KABBADI!".
Although the casual racism was the cherry on the cake, it was those two key elements - shouting and fighting - that made it such a hit.
approved Apr 5 2006, submitted Mar 26 2006 by Scott Douglas
Being at that age where penile exploration (and subsequent comparison) was particularly rife, three friends and myself thought it would be a cracking riot to share a communal piss in the "big kids" loos.
Giggling began as four streams joined togeteher in glorious Handelesque harmony, but it soon got too much to resist.
It started with a little flick, a little move to the side, then suddenly we were taken by the moment, spraying our urine on the toilet, walls, floors, and each other. We finished up, convulsing with laughter; the last boy making a show of it and spinning around in a 360 degree piss cycle.
We then opened the door to find our teacher standing there, fuming at our soaked trousers. Two boys started crying right there; I held strong though, until they broke me back in the office - the "getting your mum in" card was too damn effective.
approved Jul 27 2005, submitted Jul 26 2005 by Scott Douglas