The Law of the Playground
the pupil report of
Scott Williams
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war
When I was very small, about kite size, I had a deep fascination with guns. I had over 50 mock guns, one in particular was about four and a half foot long (with a weird tooth like object that moved randomly). Myself and 3/4 friends would run about a small Cornish village making the noise similar to that of a metal dog being fired into a school window. The problem was we would end up fighting about who shot each other first - for example "You can't shoot me back, I shot you in the face" "No you didn't you missed" "No I saw your eye explode" "No that was a bird" The weird thing is, now I have a gun and I want to kill them all, slowly over a period of hours.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Scott Williams
A man who forged the sound of weak, piss driven soul music to new low. So to warrant him the credit he deserved, we named the Wimpy classic dish - Brown Derby - after him. The Brown Derby was basically a picasso dog shit, it had a doughnut made from Nutty Slack, it was covered in white hormonal cream and the topping of chipped lego was divine. Wimpy's also make a "double bender" burger. They're asking for it, really.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Scott Williams
Running around, imagining that you know what an erection is, and hoping to touch a girl's gusset peach. Had you managed it, you would have been sick.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Scott Williams
A group of us used to run around with jumpers on our heads shouting "we are the granny bashers". We never once touched a granny, although I now wish I had - older woman syndrome, I think.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Scott Williams
Another noise you can make when somebody does something exceptionally stupid. For instance, after you fox a victim with the classic trick multiplication "What is one times one?", and they answer "two".
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Scott Williams
The stupidest bloke ever. We told him once that a wasp nest had 50 quid in it, and all he had to do was to shout at it whilst running towards it. Upon reaching it he then had to beat the living wasp out of it. He ended up looking like Russell Harty's cock. Hence the phrase "Don't be such a Clemo"
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Scott Williams