The Law of the Playground
the pupil report of
Susan Tobacco
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Not everyone who works with, or takes an interest in children is a paedophile.
The man from the Werther's Original advert is not a paedophile. Older male children's TV presenters were not paedophiles. PE Teachers who made you take showers were not necessarily paedophiles.
Labelling such people as paedophiles is not only lazy, obvious and weak, it also denigrates the comic potential of the real paedophiles, like Gary Glitter, and your dad.
approved Mar 27 2004, submitted Mar 27 2004 by Jon Blyth, Susan Tobacco
Poem given in response to the question "what's the time?"
Half past nine!
Hang your knickers on the line!
When they're dry,
Bring them in!
Put them in the biscuit tin!
Eat a biscuit!
Eat a cake!
Eat your knickers by mistake!

May be met with "no, really. What's the time?" This means they want to hear the poem again.
approved Mar 27 2004, submitted Mar 27 2004 by Susan Tobacco, Jon Blyth
Childish riposte to a positive statement about anything at all.
"I really like Brush Strokes."
"Well why don't you marry it then?"
"Would you like a crisp?"
"Yes please."
"Well why don't you marry it then?"
The only possible retort to this is "perhaps I will".
approved Mar 27 2004, submitted Mar 27 2004 by Jon Blyth, Susan Tobacco
1. Brand of orange. The advert's slogan was "small ones are more juicy - naturally" accompanied by jug-heavy Mungo Jerry hit "In The Summertime". Therefore,

2. Thing to say to someone with small but perfectly acceptable breasts.

3. Also can be said post-sex to a man whose small penis has just saturated your duvet, surprising you both. "Why, Mr Patterson! Small ones are more juicy!"

"Naturally," replies Mr Patterson,laughing.
approved Mar 27 2004, submitted Mar 27 2004 by Susan Tobacco, Jon Blyth
Our form tutor (in a state comp, not a fancy Latin-speaking grammar school) constantly used the expression "In Loco Parentis". As in "Right sunshine, while your mum and dad aren't here, I'm in loco parentis so if you dick about you'll have me to answer to."

He was ex-army and had a tash, though, so his twattiness was a given, even without the Latin.
approved Aug 9 2004, submitted Dec 22 2003 by Susan Tobacco
Uh...as far as I know, "Pakis", (in either the crap 70's sense of anyone with brown skin, or indeed the US/Australian sense, which is merely an abbreviation for someone from Pakistan, with no racial slur to it at all (talk to an Australian about cricket to hear this first hand "we thrashed the Pakis" etc.)) aren't prone to falling out of wheelchairs. Unless they are disabled in that way themselves, of course.

No one is asking you to find this story funny. It merely reports an incident. Not only does your argument about "pakis" make no sense, but your attempt to take the moral high ground by pointing out (like, wow) the word mongoloid could be considered offensive was utterly negated by your use of the word "cunt." There is a large group of people who would consider that to be misogynist in the extreme. You big hairy twat.
approved Nov 25 2003, submitted Nov 25 2003 by Susan Tobacco
Oh I didn't mean me, hon. Log will bum anything with a pulse and the only thing stronger than Phil's steely heterosexuality is his intense dislike for me. Both have nice tits though.
approved Oct 30 2003, submitted Oct 30 2003 by Susan Tobacco
Trebor Mints are a minty bit stronger. Stick them up your bum and they last a bit longer.

This is true.

approved Oct 27 2003, submitted Oct 24 2003 by Susan Tobacco
Don't be silly Phil! We know exactly how tragically sad you are.

Oh dear, a brassy, Two Ronnies style "Waaaah-waaaaahhhh" sound is filling the website.
approved Oct 27 2003, submitted Oct 23 2003 by Susan Tobacco
that's not time, *penski. Time isn't that sticky.
approved Oct 22 2003, submitted Oct 22 2003 by Susan Tobacco
Thank you to the anonymous user who reminded us that, yes, girls did used to play with elastic. Metres-long bits of clothing elastic, for strange jumping/falling-over purposes. The ritual began with putting the elastic around the ankles, and from thereon things got dark and scary. Songs were involved.
approved Oct 22 2003, submitted Oct 22 2003 by Susan Tobacco
Playground Law in a nutshell, Ladies and Gentlemen.
approved Oct 14 2003, submitted Oct 10 2003 by Susan Tobacco
That's coz Gaidsy sounds like an effeminate gang member on Grange Hill, Log. The one who'd be first to dress as the Spice Girls for charity week.
approved Oct 10 2003, submitted Oct 9 2003 by Susan Tobacco
I know someone who still signs off text messages (a thing which tells you who the sender is anyway) with "JD". I think he's hoping it'll catch on, in a sexy, Jack Daniels, James Dean sort of way.
I hope he doesn't read this. Sorry James.
approved Oct 9 2003, submitted Oct 9 2003 by Susan Tobacco
Anyone who grows up in a crap town miles from the city will know the excitement of discovering, on a Saturday excursion into Bristol, that some pubs are gay pubs. Pubs for real gay people, to be gay in. We were agog. In the end, we dared Joe to run in, and run out again. Just to see what happened, like. I think we thought it would be something like running into a crowded chicken shed, and Joe would come flying out followed by a burst of feathers, glitter, and a gaggle of irate, clucking homosexual men. This didn't happen. Sadly.
approved Oct 9 2003, submitted Oct 9 2003 by Susan Tobacco
We don't use the word "genius" round here too often, but there's at least two editors on this site who want to have sex with *points up* this anonymous contributor.
approved Oct 9 2003, submitted Oct 6 2003 by Susan Tobacco
Sorry Andy. Mood rings are mood rings in the same way that X-ray specs are X-ray specs i.e not at all. Mood rings, yes, claimed to change with your mood, but would change quick enough by being clamped in a sweaty child hand or licked. Rubbish.
If you've seen the film "My Girl" with Maculay Culkin, you'll know what a mood ring is. You'll also be a girl. Or a gay. Either way you'll already know what a mood ring is, and your wife should really start asking questions about those copies of Mens Health.
approved Oct 7 2003, submitted Oct 6 2003 by Susan Tobacco
Leopold Bloom, we'd like to ask you to be PL's resident egghead. We will call you "Professor" and imagine all your posts to come from a supple leather armchair. (Like Roald Dahl in Tales of the Unexpected.) This is based purely on you having latin lessons and being called "Leopold Bloom". Nothing else. Your job will be to bring a level of class to the site, and to make occasional, ribald double entendres. Hope this is ok with you.
approved Oct 9 2003, submitted Oct 3 2003 by Susan Tobacco
Our new resident hermaphrodite, Lee Colclough! Give him/her a round of applause!
approved Oct 10 2003, submitted Oct 3 2003 by Susan Tobacco
Descriptive of eyes after smoking first, illicit marijuana cigarette. No, your mum won't be fooled by you sucking a polo and spraying your jumper with Lynx.
approved Oct 1 2003, submitted Sep 30 2003 by Susan Tobacco