The Law of the Playground
the pupil report of
Charlie Webb
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Thursday was the day that our form tutor would check our homework diaries for teacher comments and our parents' signature, to prove we'd been good boys during the week. One week I briefly left the class and upon my return found that the current week's page had been filled with numerous "CUNT"s in big letters.

Unfortunately, my form tutor wasn't fooled by my subtle rebranding of said obscenities to "CUNE". Nowadays, of course, I would have the wherewithal to swiftly adapt it to "Conte's Bicycle And Fitness Equipment".
approved Sep 22 2005, submitted Sep 1 2005 by Charlie Webb
Mr. Johnson: "In 1945, the American army dropped an atomic bomb on Hiroshima."
Tom: "Gutted!"
approved Aug 3 2005, submitted Aug 2 2005 by Charlie Webb
My mate Dave has no sense of smell. This was demonstrated when he turned up to school with a baggie full of 'cannabis oil', which was actually some delicious mint sauce.
approved Jul 22 2005, submitted Jul 21 2005 by Charlie Webb
A game where you have to hook a chair into the air, using only your foot and shin, then dive underneath it before it hits the ground.
Surprisingly hard. Surprisingly painful. Predictably popular.
approved Oct 21 2004, submitted Oct 13 2004 by Charlie Webb
Approach someone from behind, and throw a bunch of keys at their feet. As they bend down to pick them up, say "You've dropped the keys to the Gay Club, and now you're picking them up."
This is a better insult than "you've dropped your bender card", because you had proof that they were not only members of the gay club, but also such trusted members that they were keyholders of the Gay Club HQ.
Charlie Webb spots a flaw...
Surely this is ruined by the fact you'd have to - presumably - throw your own keys, thus leaving you to sheepishly ask for them back, after declaring them gay?
You : No, seriously. Can I have them back? I need them.
Them: You need the keys to the gay club?
You : No, they're my house keys.
Potential nightmare.
approved Oct 26 2004, submitted Mar 8 2004 by David Milne, Charlie Webb
A slow, muggy silence followed Tom Fletcher's statement that "If you look through your legs when you're having a shit, you can see the poo coming out of your arse".
We've all thought it. Some will even confess that they've peeked through the gap between the bowl and the toilet seat, if they're pushed. But Tom Fletcher's eagerness to share this discovery implies that he went on to watch poos slide out of a great many arses.
approved Sep 27 2004, submitted Dec 8 2003 by Charlie Webb
In my opinion, cream cheese and red pepper sandwiches are very nice. However, cheddar cheese and jam isn't. Cheers Dad.
approved Oct 14 2003, submitted Oct 14 2003 by Charlie Webb
Music teacher. Quotes included;
  • "Tell me, exactly what is funk?" - after Jack said that his composition was based on funk.
  • "Tell me, exactly what is soul?" - after Jack said that funk derives from soul.
  • On Elvis Costello - "I thought Jailhouse Rock was excellent"
  • "Of course, you can only get electric bass guitars"
And, outside of music:
  • "You know, when we went over to sort out Afghanistan, I think we all expected to see them all living in tents and mud huts and things, but it was clear they'd derived some of the building ideas from the west"
  • After laughing raucously for about two minutes - "What am I laughing about?"

He also reckoned that I listened to "outrageous music" after performing a Beatles song and a Red Hot Chili Peppers song for performance. Outrageous indeed...
approved Oct 2 2003, submitted Jul 6 2003 by Charlie Webb
Another way to make someone have a large amount of boyfriends/girlfriends would be as follows:
1: Put your hands together, palms facing you, fingertips touching.
2: Approach someone and ask them to "Open the gates". They will then have to pull your hands from the middle so they swing out like saloon doors.
3: Tell them to "Pick some flowers" and watch as they pick imaginary flowers.
4: Ask them how many flowers they have. If they say "One", keep asking until they say five or many more.
The number of flowers they have after youve stopped commanding them to pick more damn flowers corresponds to the number of boyfriends/girlfriends they have. Not a very good insult considering that the person making the joke is highly unlikely to have a boy/girlfriend of their own.
approved Mar 17 2003, submitted Mar 16 2003 by Charlie Webb
Also accepted as an inherently funny thing, like bananas are, are elephants. Hence "Eight what? Elephants?"
Reminiscent of that stage of mental development when simply saying "mango" was funny.
approved Jan 31 2003, submitted Jan 23 2003 by Charlie Webb
The position at the front of a double decker bus, on the right hand side, when you drive through a low-hanging tree. The impact of the tree branches against the bus gives the exciting impression of a 3-D ride to the thirteen children crammed into the one seat, who will scream 3-D RIDE! as they tumble dangerously to the floor.
approved Jan 30 2003, submitted Jan 23 2003 by Charlie Webb
This was an event so good, mere words cannot pronounce its greatness. But I'm trying my best to do it justice.

Room 30 was the form room of 10H, and also doubled as Mr Brown's music room. Because of this, there was various musical equipment and other large heavy things to play around with. Some of our favourite games were Put Johnny In The Grand Piano, Drop Johnny Off A Table On His Head, and Pin Johnny In Between The Filing Cabinet And The Wall Then Run Into Him. There was also the fire extinguisher which was put to great use, such as lying it on it's side next to a filing cabinet, then using the upright piano to push in the lever, firing the extinguisher and sending it off spiralling into the room. Great stuff.

However, the highlight of the week was always Friday lunchtime. The curtains would all be drawn and the lights turned out, then all the desks and chairs would be pushed to the edges of the room to create a large space in the centre of the room. Everyone then removed their shoes, jackets and ties, much like in Fight Club, then patiently wait by the edge of the room. Mark Curling would then get behind the grand piano and start playing a long fanfare-type intro. However, no one moved until the proper music kicked in. As we waited for this, the tension and anticipation was electric. Mark would then start playing The Entertainer, at which point EVERYONE in the room ran into the centre of the room and beat the crap out of each other, usually ending in Rowlands getting cut in the facial area (the fat fucker). One particularly memorable moment was when I jumped on Jack, sending us both to the floor, at which point Manji ran across the room and kneed me in the side of the head. Another was when Martin stood on one of the tables at the side of the room and sprayed the CO2 fire extinguisher into the crowd. I seem to remember it tasting like Orange Tango.
approved Feb 10 2003, submitted Jan 17 2003 by Charlie Webb