The Law of the Playground
the pupil report of
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approved Feb 22 2004, submitted Feb 18 2004 by Name Withheld, Neil Aspinall, Name Withheld, Name Withheld, Jasmine Strong
Even when you have left school and are working in a bakery, 'doughnuts' becomes 'dog nuts' with an alarmingly small amount of effort.
approved Dec 11 2003, submitted Oct 29 2003 by Name Withheld
You really do have too much time on your hands, Log, my dear man.
approved Oct 20 2003, submitted Oct 19 2003 by Name Withheld
The Polo Hole is the female equivalent. Can be said in the same way Kenny Everett's "Air Hair Lair" (sounding like a posh and camp "Oh, Hello"), to make "Pear Lair Hair-l".
Alternatively, just scream PURRRLLLEH HUUURRRRL.
approved Apr 23 2005, submitted Oct 9 2003 by Name Withheld
- Have you ever seen a maggot spit?
- No...
- Well, wank harder then.
approved Sep 24 2003, submitted Jul 9 2003 by Name Withheld
Like butterflys only made of bogies. These symmetrical creatures are found in freshly used tissues and hankies and in colours ranging from yellow to green and the rare red variety. Also in an all-too-common transparent variation.
approved Jul 24 2003, submitted Jul 9 2003 by Name Withheld
approved Apr 21 2003, submitted Mar 31 2003 by Name Withheld
Given here not for their amusement factor, but to remind us all how immense human suffering isn't all that serious, really.

Q: What's the fastest thing on earth?
A: An Ethiopian with a dinner ticket.
Q: What's the second fastest thing on earth?
A: Blue Peter trying to film it.
Q: What would you do if you saw an Ethiopian drowning?
A: Throw him a Polo.
Q: What's the definition of a barcode?
A: An Ethiopian family photograph.
approved Sep 25 2011, submitted Feb 13 2003 by Name Withheld
Remove the cap from a whiteboard marker, then light the ink-sodden tip. This creates a slow burning wick than can be hurled into the open sunroof of the headmistress car, gutting the interior. Alternately, throw at walls, ceilings, or animals.
approved Mar 7 2003, submitted Feb 2 2003 by Name Withheld
Ip, dip, dog shit,
Fucking bastard, little git,
You are not it
Obviously the second line serves no purpose, apart from sounding very adult.
approved May 6 2003, submitted Jan 24 2003 by Name Withheld, Harry Nice
A similar event occured to me after I decided it was funny that my year 6 form tutor had suffered a miscarriage.
"What's this?" I said, before curling into a ball and being very, very still.
"I dunno...what?" would come the reply. To which I would deliver the killer punchline "Miss Moreland's dead baby".
approved Mar 1 2003, submitted Jan 21 2003 by Name Withheld
A timeless replacement for the Coco Pops tune:

My name's Coco and I live in a tree,
I used to sell condoms for 25p,
Some for five and some for ten,
But I'd rather have one i could use again

Or the slightly more risqué:

My name's Coco and I live in a tree,
I used to sell drugs for 25p,
I kept my drugs in a little red box,
But I'd rather have it off with Samantha Fox

Of course, the more risqué version isn't quite so 'timeless', as only a geriatric old Stringfellow would want to shag Sam Fox these days. Probably.
approved Dec 27 2002, submitted Dec 23 2002 by Name Withheld
A much maligned effort to encourage children to eat school dinners in the mid 90s was the 'School Dinners Are Cool Dinners' advertising regime. It didn't work. I got a T-shirt with the slogan on it which didn't fit my portly frame and thus was burnt and deposited in a corner of the music room.
approved Dec 27 2002, submitted Dec 23 2002 by Name Withheld
Ewan Thomas misunderstood the intricacies of the banana skin trick and grilled an entire banana. He then tried to smoke the charred remains in some sort of perverse Groucho Marx parody.
approved May 2 2003, submitted Dec 15 2002 by Name Withheld
I actually became good friends with someone a couple of years ago who claimed to have been in the room at the time of the 'incident'. When I met him, he could barely talk due to severe drug abuse over the preceding years (presumably to get rid of the 'nasty' images in his head) and he had a genuine fear of pencils - he was fine with pens but pencils would make him start shaking and crying. In retrospect, he was probably just another guy who took too much acid too young...he's probably dead now.
approved Dec 15 2002, submitted Dec 15 2002 by Name Withheld
Our version was more openly inviting of homoeroticism... and a touch of CBT:

Jesus Christ, superstar
Came down from heaven on a Yamaha
He pulled a skid, killed a kid
Trapped his balls in a dustbin lid
When I die, bury me
Hang my balls in a cherry tree
approved Dec 15 2002, submitted Dec 15 2002 by Name Withheld