The Law of the Playground
the pupil report of
Julian Burnell
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Exocets were from the Falklands War, actually. I know this because I got a detention in 1981 for saying 'Ooh, HMS Sheffield' when a fellow pupil took a basketball full in the face and fell over.
approved Apr 28 2005, submitted Apr 26 2005 by Julian Burnell
Mark told us that he had something wrong with his willy - and that to treat it, his mum had to squeeze it every night until white stuff came out of the end.
At the time, we were deeply sympathetic to this awful affliction, envisaging some kind of hideous penis-boil combo. Nowadays I'd be fascinated to know just what the hell Mark's mum thought she was up to.
approved Apr 23 2005, submitted Nov 16 2004 by Julian Burnell
Guys, if you carry on like this we'll end up with discussions of Blue Peter versus Magpie. Ask yourself if we really want that.

Anyway the BBC B was better than both of them put together.
approved Nov 25 2003, submitted Oct 6 2003 by Julian Burnell
One of a set of winged male reproductive organs, including the amazing flying testicle, the amazing flying prostate gland and the amazing flying vas deferens, all drawn by me during an engineering drawing lesson. I got an 'A' for biology, and a detention for engineering drawing.
approved Sep 5 2003, submitted Aug 21 2003 by Julian Burnell
Game played on school trips in dormitories. Consisted of combat between by boys who had to remain at all times on the floor wrapped up in duvets. Were it a cartoon scene, the word "squirm" would appear three times in each frame.

Maggots had no winners - play was its own reward.
approved Sep 11 2003, submitted Aug 8 2003 by Julian Burnell
Until you do it with a mirror to the umpire of a cricket match from one of the upstairs classrooms and the whole class gets detention.
approved Jul 23 2003, submitted Jul 16 2003 by Julian Burnell
'Ding dong ding dong, your nose is that long.' Sung to the tune of Big Ben striking.
Weak insult, even by five year-old standards, but we laughed at the time.
approved Apr 24 2003, submitted Apr 3 2003 by Julian Burnell
You were safe provided you were off the ground. Cue occasional hilarity as six-year olds scrabble to climb sheer brick walls, using the strange belief that running into a wall and waving your arms around will somehow make you climb it.
approved Apr 25 2003, submitted Mar 26 2003 by Julian Burnell
Holding a thermometer in a bunsen flame for long enough will eventually cause the mercury to expand, break the glass and spurt out of the end. With practice, this can be aimed.
approved Apr 23 2003, submitted Mar 26 2003 by Julian Burnell
Based on the grail selection scene at the end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Present the victim with two closed palms. Tell them to "Choose Wisely".
Whichever choice is made precipitates a violent assault, followed by gravely intoning "he chose poorly.." in the fashion of a 700 year old knight.
approved Mar 29 2003, submitted Mar 26 2003 by Julian Burnell
From the phrase 'about as much use as a one-legged man at an arse-kicking party' which still makes me laugh.
The concept of an arse-kicking party thus established, the cry of "arse kicking party" was made as a announcement of - and justification for - an assault on Matthew Moore.
approved Dec 20 2002, submitted Dec 18 2002 by Julian Burnell
Rats used in biology dissection lessons came (dead) from a scientific supplies store in sealed plastic bags, hence the name "boil in the bag rats".
Rat's penises are remarkably similar to a grain of white rice. As this lesson was just before lunch it seemed the natural thing to do was to remove the organ and flick it into the rice salad in the canteen.
approved Dec 17 2002, submitted Dec 16 2002 by Julian Burnell