The Law of the Playground
the pupil report of
Paul Heath
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Improbable cash-in board game, linking ITV's top presenters with the true story of how the Spanish Armada foundered on the rocks around the coasts of Britain. Suprisingly, Mr Roberts deemed it of sufficient historical value that myself and Andre (its co-creators) were asked to play it on school open night in front of the bewildered parents of prospective pupils.
approved Oct 2 2003, submitted Oct 2 2003 by Paul Heath
A word that our entire class learned for the first time when we were bollocked for "ostracising" Andrew Bard. This allegation was levelled at us when Mrs Allcock walked into the form room for the third day running to hear the hit song "Ooo-aah Andrew Beard, I say oo-ah Andrew Beard " be belted out en masse. Bard's main crimes were (a) having a name that sounded like "beard" and (b) not wearing a Campri ski jacket. In retrospect the charge of ostracism was a little unfair - Andrew was in no way excluded from the opportunity to join in the sing song.
approved Oct 2 2003, submitted Oct 2 2003 by Paul Heath
Some people (specifically Ceri Govan) may be so amused to find out that sometimes leprosy causes sufferers noses to drop off, that they laugh out loud for a full 15 minutes and are sent to sit on their own at the back of the room for the rest of the year.
approved Oct 3 2003, submitted Oct 2 2003 by Paul Heath
A little-known martial art involving combat with the gardening implements in Ross's garage. The higher belts could only be achieved by hitting Martin Phillips with a spade.
approved Oct 2 2003, submitted Oct 2 2003 by Paul Heath
Alain was a small plastic French-Canadian penguin with a circled-A "anarchy" symbol on his chest, and erstwhile religious icon. He was prone to falling out of very high windows into rose gardens, and anyone who rescued him from such a predicament was deemed a "hero" with all attendant privileges.
approved Oct 2 2003, submitted Oct 2 2003 by Paul Heath