The Law of the Playground
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Cocknobbery! This was a sketch on Not the Nine O'Clock News. I believe it was Rowan Atkinson whose hand dryer spouted a Margaret Thatcher speech rather than the more literal hot air one would expect. Given that anyone old enough to have been writing on dryers before this sketch was first aired wouldn't have anything to do with, I am calling you on this one, "Matt", you unoriginal little bastard.
Two things, Barry Berndes.
1) It's a JOKE, you po-faced fuckstick. I first read it in a Nigel Rees Graffiti book. I was suggesting ways in which it could be adapted to the playground for those readers who are still at school and haven't descended into joyless cynicism like you.
2) Fuck off.
3) No, really. Fuck OFF, you hand-in-the-air dinner-miss-fetching keeno little cunt.

If anyone else wants to submit any more pedantic fuckwittery like Carl here, you have my permission to go and jump off a bridge. - Matt
approved Nov 21 2005, submitted Nov 20 2005 by Name Withheld
At the age of around ten my brother and I used a borrowed video camera to make the stultifyingly boring feature-length plot vacuum called The Gun, voiced entirely in American accents. Except for the 'school bully' character, who was a sort of mockney, and wore a waistcoat and bermuda shorts. If he'd had an American accent, it would have just been stupid.
approved Sep 29 2004, submitted Nov 25 2003 by Name Withheld
I once went into an RE exam totally unprepared and having paid no attention all term. To the question, "Who led the Jews to the promised land?" I wittily answered "Father Christmas" - which apparently was so very wrong that not only did I not get an A but I had to write a formal apology to the head of Divinity, who had apparently had a nervous breakdown while marking my exam paper.
Okay, he didn't, he just got a bit pissed off. After all, I was mocking his entire career, the God-bothering fuck.
approved Dec 12 2003, submitted Nov 21 2003 by Name Withheld
Phil, you have offended the honour of my favouritely named contributor - Mr Pappenheim, defend yourself! - Log
Okay, so maybe the gangrenous bit is stretching the truth but in actual fact this is otherwise completely true. The cat player in question, it must be explained, is (a) Scottish and (b) resident in Swaziland, where he avails himself of a good 40 joints a day. Which might explain a lot. And yes, I do appreciate that that sounds even more ridiculous but things like this do happen in those strange countries out there, south of Brighton.
approved Nov 11 2003, submitted Nov 6 2003 by Name Withheld
Here's a great example of what makes the Internet wonderful. The RSPCA would be proud. About three months ago, I read the above entry and laughed so hard I nearly dropped my mouse. When I related it in a drunken state to a friend of mine in Swaziland - no less; never let it be said that LotP isn't cosmopolitan - he decided to give it a go and actually IMPROVED the technique. The main problem (especially when numb of gum for chemical reasons) is controlling the bite pressure sufficiently to get a tune out so he discovered that if the cat is held like bagpipes, you can control pitch very effectively using elbow pressure. A certain amount of rhythm can also be introduced. Frankly, this is the single funniest thing I have ever seen and kept an entire room full of people rolling on the floor for a good hour - at which point of course the tail went gangrenous and dropped off.

Playground Uncovered: This is clearly such unabashed fibbery that it would be criminal for us not to present it in its unadulterated state. Mr Pappenheim, we salute you.
approved Oct 31 2003, submitted Oct 31 2003 by Name Withheld
Yes, yes, yes.. but what does it really MEAN? This has foxed me since seeing "Good Will Hunting," back in secondary school. I asked a number of American teenagers at the time what the story was and they were no hope whatsoever. Is it Pidgeon English?
approved Sep 23 2003, submitted Sep 18 2003 by Name Withheld
Sorry to be a real fucking nerd, sorry, guru, but in actual fact that's still only half the story. A true professional will minimise the time at the keyboard to avoid detection, and contract the code onto one line, with a colon.

Additionally, there should be a space at the end of the quote, otherwise you end up with "fuck offfuck offfuck..", which, while undeniably rude, is also somewhat nonsensical.

If you are a true genius, you'll know that the screen is 80 characters across, so " fuck off " (being 10 characters) arranges into neat columns, just like "fuck off" did.

Debate rages as to the virtue of neat columnisation; it does appear to freeze the screen when you run out of space, but the irregular thrashing about of a nine-wide string is a more eye-catching blur as it scrolls by, only becoming legible once the teacher strikes the required control-break key combination. Sort of like an insult time-bomb.


My refined type-and-run stunt would be:


Modern pupils please note, this doesn't work from a DOS prompt.

Although you could put the following on the end of AUTOEXEC.BAT:

@echo off
goto 1
approved Jan 6 2003, submitted Jan 3 2003 by Name Withheld
You can imagine my disbelief when it was revealed to me at high school that classes were now referred to as 'divs' (apparently short for 'divisions'), and the confusion in my playground-savvy brain as successful dodging of questions such as, "which div are you?" only led to the discovery that it was, in fact, a legitimate enquiry. It was a trying time.
approved Dec 23 2002, submitted Dec 20 2002 by Name Withheld
A dinner queue offer best riposted with "no, it's just the way my trousers hang".
Also applicable to offers of boiled sprouts, grated carrot, hot plums etc
approved May 6 2003, submitted Dec 20 2002 by Name Withheld
The time, scientifically verified to the nanosecond, that it takes to smoke a fag and get to a class.
"Have you got seven minutes before Maths?"
approved Dec 20 2002, submitted Dec 20 2002 by Name Withheld
The pleasurable experience of sitting in another man's lap and bouncing up and down a bit, combined with the pleasurable experience of having another man sit one's lap and bouncing up and down a bit.. multiplied by as many people as fit in the room (or, in our case, across the room, down the corridor and, on one particularly memorable occasion, halfway up the stairs to the first floor).
In no way homosexual, homoerotic, or anything other than lots of straight boys having an innocent non-sexual bumming session.
approved Dec 23 2002, submitted Dec 20 2002 by Name Withheld