The Law of the Playground
the pupil report of
Harry Grout
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Debbie had a real boyfriend on life support. He fell off his bike on the way home from her house one cold December evening, and ended up in a coma for four years. Way to get out of your exams, guy.

No-one would go out with her for all the time he was in hospital. Not because she wasn't a looker, or because of some sort of loyalty to poor, comatose Ivan. No! It was because Debbie already had one veggie for a boyfriend, which gave rise to the fear that whatever the spack equivalent of the Grim Reaper is, he MIGHT STRIKE AGAIN.

Any suggestions? - Jamie
approved Jan 2 2007, submitted Sep 25 2006 by Harry Grout
Cunteye had many reasons to be suicidal. Having made numerous and precocious advances on every male in the school, and and beared the beatings that followed, he also managed to be a spotty ginger hulk, with eyes that looked for all the world like a pair of cunts. Hence, Cunteye. Even his dad called him Cunteye, which may have fuelled the suicides - who knows?
Regular failed suicide attempts included the classics; a drug overdose failed becuase "I don't want to wake up feeling ill". Hanging himself with a length of elastic rope ended wth a case of mild concussion, and he chose to kill himself on the railway tracks on a trainless Sunday.
He outdid himself, however, when he tried to end it all by jumping from the top of the stairs, trying to land head-first onto a nail. Woodwork classes for Cunteye were to become a weekly ordeal.
Cunteye remains alive to this day.
approved Oct 3 2005, submitted Aug 25 2005 by Harry Grout
"You may have heard," said Mr Delaney, "that some of the older pupils have a nickname for me. It's donkey, because of that song called 'Delaney's Donkey'. Have you heard it?"
No, we hadn't.
"It is rather funny, you know", he said, only twitching a little bit. "So, this is your one and only chance to call me donkey."

It absolutely, incontrovertibly wasn't.

approved Oct 31 2005, submitted Aug 25 2005 by Harry Grout
Knowing that smoking at school was frowned upon, we found that it was possible to purchase snuff from a local newsagents.

Cue the start of the great snuff craze, which led to entire lessons disrupted by bouts of sneezing and the frenzied groans of kids trying to hoover up lines of the stuff like proper druggies. Those who couldn't afford snuff cleared local supermarket shelves of cinnamon, ginger and anything else in powdered form that could be shovelled up the nostrils.

The craze died on the Day of the Nosebleed, when the Reverend Ratings' assembly sermon was disrupted when Andy Chapman sneezed a torrent of blood over the six rows in front of him. Just say no, kids. Tabs are much healthier.
approved Sep 6 2005, submitted Aug 25 2005 by Harry Grout
The wanking race also occured in our scout troop. I politely declined due to the rather unsettling homosexual undertones, possibly something to do with one of the leaders joining in.
(May or may not be true, but oh! - the delivery! - Log)
approved May 15 2003, submitted Apr 6 2003 by Harry Grout
Our school band came *this* close to being called Bigfoot and the Groincrushers, but the powers that be made us choose something far wankier.
approved Apr 24 2003, submitted Apr 6 2003 by Harry Grout