The Law of the Playground
the pupil report of
Peter Marshall
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Ip Dip was another variant. It ran thusly:
Ip Dip, Dog shit
Hanging off a lady's tit.
O U T Spells OUT you must go.
Why any lady would have dog shit on her tits, or how this related to why one boy or girl must go 'out' has never been adequately explained. Perhaps it was that child's mother.
approved Mar 9 2003, submitted Jan 24 2003 by Peter Marshall
Belm is also used to denote that ones interlocutor is a passenger on the sunshine bus. A spaz, div, cretin, biffa, scoper etc.
approved Jan 25 2003, submitted Jan 21 2003 by Peter Marshall
During the last storytime of the day, demonic headmistress Mrs. Windsor would pick her favourite children to stroke her legs through her nylons. This was an honour keenly fought over among the children, all under the age of six and unable to discern just how horrifically, grotesquely wrong this was.
approved Jan 25 2003, submitted Jan 20 2003 by Peter Marshall
In my infant school, the standard punishment for being naughty was spending playtime facing the wall under a large and incredibly heavy Victorian brass bell. The inevitability of the bell falling down and striking Andrew Lynn's head was rendered less slapstick by the severe hospitalization that ensued. By the age of 13, Andrew was reading at a rudimentary level.
approved Jan 25 2003, submitted Jan 20 2003 by Peter Marshall
Legendary mime performed by me in maths that got me kept behind for one of those "now I know you're only doing this to hide how upset you are" chats from the Mrs. Pearcey. The mime essentially involved playing dead, but as it was the week after the tragedy, I was generally believed to be as topical and more satirically daring than "Have I Got News For You". By me. Everyone else thought I had gone too far, and those really annoying sanctimonious girls got me told off with great glee. Whores.
approved Jan 20 2003, submitted Jan 15 2003 by Peter Marshall
The tax levied by my enormous friend Glenn of one fudge bar every day. This tax was only incurred by people who had threatened/bullied me in the past, and thus the taste of Cadbury's fudge remains today the sweet, sweet taste of victory and revenge over Dale Wright.
approved Jan 18 2003, submitted Jan 15 2003 by Peter Marshall
When not in earshot of a teacher, "arrrrrrrrr", or it's regional variation "aaaaaaaahhhhhh" is followed by "I'm getting you duuuuun!" and ostentatious teacher-hunting gestures.
Getting "done" was my mortal fear for most of primary school.
approved Jan 18 2003, submitted Jan 15 2003 by Peter Marshall