The Law of the Playground
the pupil report of
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But there was a spider in my hair. Naturally I was sceptical, so an entire changing room full of girls was unable to convince me of my infestation until I looked in the mirror, at which point I screamed and thrashed for an indeterminate amount of time.
Then the swimming teacher came in and sprayed the offending spider with window cleaner until it died. Yes, the swimming teacher. We were just that posh.
approved Apr 23 2005, submitted Nov 2 2004 by Name Withheld
Preston's uncle, a keen ichthologist, used to grab Preston, and pin him to the ground, screaming, "NAME 50 FISH! NAME 50 FISH!"
Presumably, Preston was not released until he had named 50 fish. Preston's story should be taken with a grain of salt, however, because he was in special education, and would not have been taught about naming fish.
approved Feb 22 2004, submitted Feb 15 2004 by Name Withheld
During English, Mr. Shaw was distracted from teaching us Shakespeare long enough to tell us about his fierce hatred of all rodent-kind, particularly squirrels. "Little plague-rats with fluffy tails," he proclaimed darkly. The next day, Kristin brought in a somewhat larger-than-life plastic facsimile of a squirrel, which was immediately christened Roadkill, and given pride of place at the front of the classroom. Shortly thereafter, Mr. Shaw instituted the practice of leaving small gifts (pencils, jewellery, money, sweets etc.) on Roadkill's 'altar', which was mandatory before every test 'if we wanted a good grade'. Songs and psalms were soon to follow. So whenever anyone tells me a depressing anecdote, I can usually top it with 'my English teacher forced me to worship a squirrel.'

How Mr Shaw got from hating squirrels to worshipping the infernal beasts as his masters will presumably never be known - Conor
approved Apr 16 2005, submitted Feb 15 2004 by Name Withheld
My dinosaur friends were Righty and Lefty. Righty was the good one, always saving princesses and the like, whereas Lefty would invariably end up dead.

In addition, I have chewed ink cartridges for my own enjoyment, and dearly wish I had been paid 20p for it.
approved Jan 25 2003, submitted Jan 19 2003 by Name Withheld
Using needles instead of pins, many interesting things can be done with string, such as tying attractive bows, hanging weights, etc. For that little extra something, thread all the needles with the same cotton, then pull them out in front of a girl.
approved Feb 4 2003, submitted Jan 19 2003 by Name Withheld
My friend Crystal did a very similar thing with a slit cow's heart, and actually succeeded in making three of her classmates sick. Mostly because the undrained blood would spurt out every time "Mr. Weebles," as he was called, would complete a syllable.
approved May 7 2003, submitted Jan 19 2003 by Name Withheld
"If you were on a bus full of fags, would you get off?"

Memorable response:
"Yeah, I'd get off--the BUS!"
"Sounds like hard work."
approved Jan 18 2003, submitted Jan 17 2003 by Name Withheld
In Bio, we were all encouraged to think up cute names for the formaldehyde-smelling, frozen creatures we were dissecting. Hence, the Twitchy song.
Twitchy, slimy and dead,
Twitchy, we cut off your head,
Twitchy, how we love to cut you up.
*shake fist and make maraca sound*
Kidney, round and brown,
Kidney, we found you on the ground,
Kidney, you look like a bean I ate.
*maraca sound*
Liver, big and brown,
Liver, you are schloratic,
Liver, you take up too much of the rat.
*maracas sound*
Small intestine, long and pink
Small intestine, you really stink,
Small intestine...*long pause* ...there ought to be more to this verse.
This became something of a school anthem for a while, and perhaps even lives on to this day.
approved May 12 2003, submitted Jan 17 2003 by Name Withheld