The Law of the Playground
the pupil report of
Richard Swan
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Ask your attractive lady French teacher to tell you what the French verb for push is. Hearing an attractive woman say pousser - pronounced puss-ay will lead to 13.5 boys* having a misty fantasy of their teacher standing at the top of some stairs, beckoning them through some dry ice and saying do you want to see my puss-ay?.
* Class size of thirty, fifteen boys and girls, minus the ten percent of gayyors.
approved Oct 1 2004, submitted Apr 16 2004 by Richard Swan
Cigarette companies have been stopped from issuing Gratis Points and the like, because it's allofasudden bad to make people smoke as much as possible to earn a free umbrella.
However, when these little cards were commonplace, really hard kids could claim that they'd smoked so many fags that they'd claimed a F-16 Fighter Plane. When pressed to arrive in school in it the next day, they would say "couldn't park it, sold it to the army for a million pounds". When pressed to produce this million pounds, or any evidence of it, they would say "can't, spent it all on fags and smoked 'em".
approved Oct 7 2004, submitted Feb 5 2004 by Richard Swan
'American Jinx (Touch Wood)'
A slightly more complex version of jinx. when a jinxing opportunity arises, shout 'american jinx, touch wood'. The first person to find some wood and touch it may punch the other person on the arm. Normal jinx rules then apply.
approved Apr 21 2005, submitted Oct 13 2003 by Richard Swan
no No NO! it's;
I've got the power, to fart on a flower, but after an hour, it hurts.
Well, it would.
approved Oct 9 2003, submitted Oct 9 2003 by Richard Swan
Upon return from 'America', every child would have stories of seeing Indiana Jones part 5, bought Nike Air Max 9 trainers, a copy of Super Mario Bros 7, and the new Hyper Nintendo. Challenging any of these children to bring these in led to the disclaimer 'I left it at my gran's house'.
approved Aug 15 2003, submitted Aug 15 2003 by Richard Swan
The middle water fountain on the playground at Hillbrook Infants School dispensed pure wee. Anyone drinking from the middle fountain would have stones thrown at them, and 'Wee Tap' screamed in their faces.
On the hottest days in summer, massive queues would form for the other two taps. The Wee Tap was always free, if you dared...
approved Sep 30 2003, submitted Aug 12 2003 by Richard Swan
Every lunchtime, at about 1.10pm, a strange white foam used to emerge from the bottom of the pipes. Children used to play with it - run around the playground with it on their faces in winter pretending to be Father Christmas, or in summer, an ice-cream to fun and fool your friends with.
I now realise that this was the cooks emptying the sinks of all the greasy, fatty, food-encrusted gunk. This, added to a dash of Fairy Liquid, would cause giant clouds of this foul-stinking dirt. Everyone from Hillbrook School will probably get cancer from this by the age of 40.
approved Aug 12 2003, submitted Aug 7 2003 by Richard Swan
Our school had a run in with a transsexual supply teacher, who took us for a lesson in 'line dancing'. Line dancing with a ladyboy - an integral part of the curriculum in SW London.
approved Feb 23 2003, submitted Jan 24 2003 by Richard Swan
As written on my second-year desk at secondary school. To this day, the couplet strikes me with its sheer vitality and stark beauty.
approved Feb 6 2003, submitted Jan 24 2003 by Richard Swan