The Law of the Playground
the pupil report of
uncle monty
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Lee Sylvester was 2 years above me at school, and clearly the school hard man. He demonstrated this by decapitating a rabbit and nailing its head by its ears to the school basketball hoop.
He took me to one side and showed me the rabbit's foot, making it form a fist by pulling on the tendon hanging out of the back.
I'd never spoken to him before - the fact that he showed me alone made me feel very special. Does this mean I'm a gayer?
approved Mar 6 2006, submitted Mar 6 2006 by uncle monty
I dearly regret bunking off one particular day in my 4th year. That was the day that one of the former pupils came back to school, as he'd promised, and kicked the living shit out of Mr. Burns, the short-arsed, swarthy, bullying games teacher.
Those who were there assure me that: it was "a beautiful moment", "poetry", "he had it coming", and my favourite: "he whimpered".
Not even touching Jeanie's quim for the first time was adequate compensation (Jeanie was our dog).
approved Jul 7 2008, submitted Jan 12 2006 by uncle monty
Park High School in the '70s. Our music teacher was fat, and he was called Mr Tucker. We retired to the playground, had a twenty minute brainstorming session, in which it was proposed, and eventually agreed, that we should call him Mr Fat Fucker.
(Do re mi so fat you fat fuck! What a fucking fatso! Did anyone have a fat woodwork teacher? - Log)
approved Oct 13 2004, submitted Oct 12 2004 by uncle monty
After a series of sex-ed classes, Jason B. adopted the phrase "epididimus scrotumsac" to replace "exactly", "excuse me" and anything else that began with "eh.....".
He still throws it into the occaisional conversation, despite the fact it's impossible to reverse translate, and makes him sound like a cunt. And he's 38. Cunt.
approved Jun 18 2004, submitted Feb 24 2004 by uncle monty
If I whacked off every punter who managed a few oblique references through Google, I'd have arms like Precious McKenzie. Close, but no chafed cigar.
Don't know who Precious McKenzie is? We didn't. So here's the google link to this South African back injury specialist and weightlifter. Can I have a hand job off Nick Hunt please? - Log
approved Dec 12 2003, submitted Oct 10 2003 by uncle monty

Such was our latin teachers love of classical civilization, he used his pupils in an attempt to re-create Ancient Rome in his class.
He got us to dress up in togas (using the long red velvet classroom curtains), and then "show me how you recline like a Roman" - in other words, get 13 year-olds to dress in a suspect way and then lay on a desk in front of him for his approval.
Ok, so we weren't brutally sodomised or even forced to whack him off, but it was all a bit odd, no ?
approved Oct 22 2003, submitted Oct 10 2003 by uncle monty
Isn't this meant to be a site for capers and chicanery of your school years ? This reads more like a social services dossier. What next? "How we used to fist Barry and shit on his chest"?
Log says:
Readers. Did you used to fist barry and shit on his chest? If you did, please submit your story to The Law of the Playground, the world's premier resource for underage scatfistery. Seriously, Monty, we don't know what we are, and clearly neither do our contributors. So just roll with it.
approved Oct 17 2003, submitted Oct 8 2003 by uncle monty
A short-lived fashion of shoes in the late '70s. They were very flat, very wide, but most importantly, had very stiff wooden soles that stuck out at least 1/2 an inch, which were ideal for kicking shins in. I've just done a google search but found no references. I will personally blow anyone who can produce a picture of them. If you can find a pair in size 11, the sky's the limit.
approved Oct 9 2003, submitted Oct 8 2003 by uncle monty
I posted this a few days ago and while you may have flowered-up my language - nice use of the word "lustrous" - you did lose the bit about how the once virile king of the locker-room is now a sad fat loser whose sex life consists of whacking off on left-handed websites? Could you put that back in?
(My pleasure, Uncle Monty. Sleep well. - Log)
approved Oct 17 2003, submitted Oct 7 2003 by uncle monty
An insult levelled by Alan Blackburn based on his premature puberty, which afforded him thick, lustrous pubic hair and a constant jet of white wee (as opposed to yellow cum) gushing from his cock.
approved Oct 2 2003, submitted Oct 1 2003 by uncle monty