The Law of the Playground
the pupil report of
Ben Austwick
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These coaches were used for disadvantaged inner-city kids as well as mongoloids. We were momentarily gutted when we had to go on one, but we soon got into the spirit of things, pretending to be spastic as the bus rolled through the streets of Leeds, all the way to the Lake District.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Ben Austwick
Strangely uninsulting insult for boys with big heads. Almost Shakespearean.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Ben Austwick
Oh Come Let Us Adore Him = Oh Come Let Us Ignore Him
Christ The Lord becomes Christ, I'm Bored
Gracious Spirit, Holy Ghost becomes Gracious Spirit, Beans on Toast
Peace is flowing like a river...flowing out of you and me... becomes... well, I think you can guess this one...
We are climbing Jesus' ladder becomes = for ladder, read penis
I close my eyes, drew back the curtains becomes = why not draw back your foreskin?
All dicks bright and beautiful, all creatures grunt and smell
Jesus Christ the Apple Tree, said with a different emphasis, becomes a startled exclamation of surprise.
Service to the loving, honour to the dead becomes bollocks to the Head
Our Father, Who Art In Heaven, Harold By Thy Name
'Blessed are those that come in the House of the Lord', swap House for Mouth
God rest you jerry mental men
do re mi so fa la ti do = dirty asshole farty old soul
Cross over the road my friend,
ask the lord his cock to bend,
hi-is penis knows no end,
cross over the road.
and for the catholics...
benedicta tu becomes benny's dick tattoo
clarior usta rogo becomes clarior usta bollocks (?) and you have to say usta as though you are climaxing. Naturally.
approved Dec 6 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by James McCormack, Christopher Huxley, Michele , Joe S., Garth , Matt King, Alex Carter, Ben Austwick, Jon Blyth
Another pithy annoyance (also see nothing) that everyone said for a week. This is the general format; "Would you like a crisp?" (packet offered) "Ooh, ta." "Go buy one." (packet casually withdrawn) I used the phrase myself, oblivious that it had gone out with the dinosaurs just moments before. The shame was unbearable.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Ben Austwick
During a youthful LSD session, we invented Douglas Bader Football, which - you guessed it - involved running around after a ball in a stiff-legged manner. The humour was lost on me until after I'd come down. At the time I was paranoid as fuck and wondered what everyone was going on about, and why I didn't understand, and whether anyone would notice. Me and a mate ended up playing Douglas Bader Football on a busy summer's day in the park recently, pissed, for old time's sake. A middle-aged woman overheard us and couldn't control herself laughing.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Ben Austwick
French word for imbetween, amusingly also West Indian for homosexual. Brightened up my French lessons anyway.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Ben Austwick
A word used in science, and PE. And no-where else in the world.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Ben Austwick