The Law of the Playground
the pupil report of
John Cheetham
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If you go down in the woods today,
you're sure of a big surprise.
If you go down in the woods today,
you'd better close your eyes.
'Cause Mum and Dad,
are 'avin a shag,
and Uncle Bob,
is suckin' his knob,
and Aunty Mary's 'avin it off with Graaaandad.
Uncle Bob was probably sucking his own nob, what with Aunty Mary being occupied with Granddad.
approved May 13 2003, submitted Apr 6 2003 by John Cheetham
"If you go down in the woods today,
youre sure of a big surprise,
if you go down in the woods today,
you'd better close your eyes,
cause mum and dad,
are 'avin a shag,
and uncle bob,
is suckin' his knob,
and aunty mary's 'avin it off with the miiiiiiiilk-man!"

There is a varient where aunty Marys avin it off with Graaaaa-ndad.
approved May 22 2003, submitted Apr 6 2003 by John Cheetham
Ask the class muppet "are you strong?"

In a bid to win friendship they will say yes. You then bring up a large greenie, gob it on the floor and ask them to pick it up.

Has Catch-22 potential. (Try eating a Mars Bar and drinking some Coke to give the greenie added string.)
approved May 22 2003, submitted Mar 8 2003 by John Cheetham
If you stand on a nick, you will marry a brick, and a beetle will come to your wedding.
approved Mar 9 2003, submitted Mar 8 2003 by John Cheetham
This possibly belongs more in, or may even have been lifted directly from, Roger's Profanisaurus, but it's still a good phrase for pissflaps.
approved May 13 2003, submitted Feb 12 2003 by John Cheetham
Hugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert's dribbling spunk
Hugh Puked on Barney McGrew, Cuthbert dribbled on Grub

Trumpton nostalgia lost its charm in 1992, when a bar in Manchester called Barney McGrews opened its doors. This bar was immediately populated by groups of people saying;
  • Do you remember Trumpton?
  • God, how did it go again?
  • How did the windmill go on Camberwick Green?
  • No, that was Ivor the Engine.
  • Camberwick Green was one of the first spin-offs, actually.
  • Mork and Mindy was a spin-off too, you know. 100% fact.
  • Hugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert's dribbling spunk!!
  • Hugh Puked on Barney McGrew, Cuthbert dribbled on Grub!!!
approved Oct 7 2004, submitted Feb 12 2003 by John Cheetham, Craig Hudson
Potential urban myth. If you stick a straw up a frog's anus and blow, it will explode. Don't question the physics; it will explode.
approved Feb 14 2003, submitted Feb 12 2003 by John Cheetham
Producing a long, monotone whistle - traditionally used to whittle away the resolve of weaker teachers - will also convince any hard of hearing child that the batteries are running out in their hearing aid.
approved Apr 30 2003, submitted Feb 12 2003 by John Cheetham
Also known as "absailors"
approved Feb 22 2003, submitted Feb 12 2003 by John Cheetham
Also, "Bum,tit-tit,bum,tit-tit play the willy banjo."
approved Mar 7 2003, submitted Feb 12 2003 by John Cheetham