The Law of the Playground
the pupil report of
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My Canadian girlfriend insists that in her country of birth, a vaginal fart is called a 'quiff'. This makes it very difficult to talk about Elvis, Morrissey or my own hairstyle without her erupting into fits of laughter.

Maybe she's just taking the piss out of your RIDICULOUS HAIRCUT. Especially when you consider that your nickname is Squiff- Matt
approved Oct 15 2005, submitted Oct 13 2005 by Name Withheld
Tron gave me possibly one of the most convoluted nicknames ever. My surname is Smith, so this was corrupted to 'Squiff' by the Oscar Wildes in my class. An English teacher who was constantly trying to be 'down with the kids' then started calling me 'Squiffy', which after a while evolved into him calling me 'Squiffotron' whilst making robot-like movements. I didn't start complaining until he started shouting 'ERROR! ERROR! DOES NOT COMPUTE!' whenever he asked me a question that took me more than a few seconds to answer.

The same teacher later accused me of constantly looking at porn on the internet in a speech he made at our A Level presentation evening, in front of all the students and parents from my year. He later denied it, but the scars run deep. O'Shaughnessy, you're a bastard.
approved Oct 5 2005, submitted Oct 3 2005 by Name Withheld
If you are male and have a 'Gypsy Racer' bicycle, and you are being mocked for having 'a girl's bike', it will not endear you to your tormenters to matter-of-factly announce that: 'It's not a girl's bike, it's unisex'.
That was a lesson I only needed to learn once, and once only.
approved Sep 30 2005, submitted Sep 29 2005 by Name Withheld
The Assembly mantra of our head of year, Mr Farquarson. In a blatant case of not listening to one's own advice he was found dead in his car on a mountain in the Lake District.

Tom MacPhearson was suspended a few days later for finding an exhaust pipe on the school field and asking the Bursar if it was Mr Farquarson's.
approved Apr 24 2005, submitted Nov 23 2004 by Name Withheld
My (technically correct, you'll note) answer to the question "Where do hamsters come from?" in a Primary School Geography lesson. Had I not been watching a dog running outside, I'd have known the answer she was looking for was 'The Sahara Desert'. Hilarity, as you can well imagine, ensued.
approved Nov 16 2004, submitted Nov 10 2004 by Name Withheld
If you hear strange banging noises emanating from a cupboard, and you've recently heard someone talking about a pirate copy of The Exorcist, then you are likely to believe that the cupboard is possessed by the Devil, who for some reason is interested in occupying a space holding hamster feed, balls of wool and eight-year old boxes of tampons for the more 'advanced' girls.
That the noises might be caused by kids in the classroom on the other side of the wall playing Granny's Garden on a computer and kicking the wall out of sheer boredom, would not occur to you. At least, not if you are David Malone.

This led to David asking Reverend Quine (in one of his weekly religious education visits) if he could exorcise the cupboard. Assemblies about offending visiting guests followed, and David wasn't asked to go in the cupboard for wool again.
approved Apr 16 2005, submitted Nov 10 2004 by Name Withheld
One of our Science teachers was a sweaty lard-arsed mammoth of a man called Mr Jones. To compound his unfortunate size, he also had a speech defect, rendering all 'r's as 'w's. One of his favourite sweaty fat phrases was "where is your wuler, you cwiminal?", which one of the sixth formers recorded with a dictaphone and sampled, creating a disturbing mid-90s rave masterpiece.

Mr Jones claimed to have had schoolboy trials for West Ham United. Presumably they didn't take him on because he was a gargantuan chair-worrier with a sweaty niff that could fell an ox at fifty paces.
approved Apr 12 2005, submitted Nov 7 2004 by Name Withheld
If the intended victim can insert their finger into the circle without looking at it, the effects are reversed, allowing the victim to punch the aggressor.

Perfecting this technique will stand you in good stead come the end of term school disco, during a slow dance with Amanda Byrne or any other tart in a too-short skirt.
approved Aug 27 2003, submitted Aug 26 2003 by Name Withheld
Lesbian Ashtray was formed whilst waiting for a taxi outside Manhattan's in Southport. Our success was based solely on the name, as only our drummer had ever seen or played an instrument. Our manager, Big Gay Al, probably added to our glamorous mystique.
approved Apr 24 2003, submitted Apr 1 2003 by Name Withheld
John Hunter (known as 'Curtains' for his sad fanny-parting haircut) was the only person in the school who was bullied by everyone. A favourite memory of this criminally annoying nonentity is seeing him, in fifth form aged 16, being chased around by a gang of rogueish first years who are baying for his blood. This is one of those lads who never learns that if you take the piss out of a large group of kids, no matter how old you are, if you're a complete pussy, they're going to beat the living shit out of you. And beat him up they did.
approved Apr 24 2003, submitted Apr 1 2003 by Name Withheld
Alternative:

Fourth the angel, fifth the ghost, sixth the one who burnt the toast.

The implication here seems to be that not possessing rudimentary cooking skills is a fate worse than death.
approved Apr 18 2003, submitted Apr 1 2003 by Name Withheld
Telling can also be used as an effective bullying device. Tell someone younger, smaller or nerdier than yourself that you are 'telling on them', despite the fact that they have done nothing wrong, and they will royally cack their pants and begin the word "but" around twenty times before hiding.
This technique also forms the foundation for a defense to a straight-forward "telling". Simply scream "telling" just as loudly, and start a race to the nearest teacher. Of course, if you make it to the teacher you'll have to make something up pretty quickly, or admit that you were both running around screaming "telling", which may reduce credibility in future games of "telling".
approved May 13 2003, submitted Mar 27 2003 by Name Withheld, Jon Blyth