The Law of the Playground
the pupil report of
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Conan-Doyle's unfortunate but amusing way of saying that Sherlock Holmes said something. To be uttered with sudden loudness during a dreary reading in English class.
approved Apr 18 2003, submitted Apr 10 2003 by Name Withheld
Dinner ladies. Use of this name increases in direct proportion to the number of speeches made by the headmaster about how we should respect dinner ladies.
approved Apr 29 2003, submitted Apr 9 2003 by Name Withheld
A peculiar fashion that developed toward the end of fourth year, this was the height of daring, although as most of the time was spent sitting down it wasn't too difficult. When you were stood up there were always people in front of you to hide you. Four or five of us did it once but we had to stop because we were making some others giggle insanely. Tom Baird once walked out to the front of Modern Studies and stood smiling at the teacher with his cock out. The teacher only looked mildly disgruntled so eventually Baird just wandered out of the room, still swinging free.
approved Apr 29 2003, submitted Apr 8 2003 by Name Withheld
All I ever discovered was that "2B: REGISTER" had the same number of characters as "GAMMON FLAPS". Equipped with this knowledge and the BBC Micro's trusty *BREAK* key, we wreaked havoc on our teacher's proudest new program, which he unveiled in front of the entire class. I was grassed up within twenty seconds.
approved Apr 23 2003, submitted Apr 7 2003 by Name Withheld
To say "I'm not gay" is the highest, most solemn, most utterly damning evidence that one IS gay, and not just gay but a big brassy transvestite to boot. The quickest, kindest cure for this was to boot the fuck out of the victim. Ironically, the one time we actually discovered that a kid was genuinely gay and confused about it, we were so freaked out by such a display of vulnerability that we formed a protective group around him, on the strict understanding that he NEVER discuss it with us again. We later booted fuck out of him for having periods, which he probably didn't, now I come to think of it.
approved Apr 29 2003, submitted Apr 7 2003 by Name Withheld
A sport for those very secure in their masculinity, or who simply don't give a fuck.
e.g. Sid Khan, who spent two terms making lunchtime passes at Robert Wilson, who never knew what the hell to do. Strangely, this game makes the victim seem gayer than the perpetrator, their inability to decide upon the best way to deal with the situation being interpreted as "actually thinking about it".
The only way to truly recover your heterosexuality is to punch the gay pretender, or to violently ram your penis up his anus until everyone knows the joke is over.
approved May 2 2003, submitted Apr 7 2003 by Name Withheld
My imaginary girlfriend, possessed of psychic abilities and thus more interesting than everyone else's imaginary girlfriends, who were invariably nymphomaniac supermodels.

In an ironic twist, the bitch dumped me when she discovered I was thinking about other women.
approved Apr 20 2003, submitted Apr 7 2003 by Name Withheld
Also a game where one friend presses a pre-licked coin onto a second friends forehead and encourages him to dislodge it by whacking himself repeatedly on the back of the head. But the coin is really in the first friends hand, you see, not stuck to the forehead, so the second friend is left slapping the back of his head in vain, resembling the late Eric Morcombe in a state of arousal.
approved Jun 18 2003, submitted Apr 7 2003 by Name Withheld, Susan Tobacco
You risked this if you put a pencil in your mouth, even for just a split second. If you were stupid enough to even give the end of your pencil a little kiss, everyone would scream "what is wrong with you?" and "do you want to die or something?"

Some people would be so concerned about your well-being that they would punch you. Later, someone pointed out that the pencils were made out of graphite, and not lead. This didn't stop the panic, because graphite poisoning was about ten times worse, you fucking idiot with your crazy deathwish.

Log says:
If you do succumb to lead poisoning, your blood will turn black in your veins. This is only lethal when the black blood reaches your heart, giving you minutes to run around screaming "I can see it in my arm, I'm going to die".
approved Oct 14 2011, submitted Apr 7 2003 by Name Withheld