The Law of the Playground
the pupil report of
Luke Tansey
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One of Brian's responses to 'Big Dave' during a verbal disagreement. Dave was three years younger than us but possibly weighed more than all of us put together.
In the same argument, Brian also said, "Your mum's so thick, she got run over by a parked car."
approved Jun 21 2005, submitted Jun 20 2005 by Luke Tansey
John Doyle - a stereotypical heavy-metal kid with long, greasy hair, unwashed, would have loved Red Dwarf right up to series seven, and who spent ten minutes in front of his wardrobe every morning, deciding which of his 25 identical Motorhead T-Shirts to wear.
  1. Whilst dating a girl, he was invited to dinner at her parents. Becoming excited, John enquired of his lady companion - "Can you feel my lovebuzz?"
  2. With the same girlfriend, he went to some forest on her birthday. They were sitting down talking when suddenly, he stands up, cock out, with a boner and shouts "HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" He then proceeds to chase girlfriend round the forest with his boner, probably all sped up with 'Yakkety Sax' playing in the background.
  3. He would only ever phone you whilst taking a shit or having a bath. Which would you prefer? The splash of turd 'gainst wawa? Or the idea that he might be tugging idly at his balls and thinking "HELLOOOOOOOOOOO!"?
  4. My mate Ray went to John's house. His mother had a French friend over, called Pierre. John didn't know him. When Ray went to use the unlocked toilet, he discovered John's mum and Pierre have a bath together; giggling, soapy, nude and entirely unapologetic. John explained that it happened all the time. Not the bath thing... his mother having friends over.
  5. On a non-uniform day, Doyle made a T-shirt which was spattered in faux-blood and had "PEOPLE HATE ME" written across the front. There is not one person in any school that could pull off that T-shirt without looking, and being told that they looked, a cunt.
Half of these stories are thanks to the fact that girls dating John usually felt so ashamed at the end of it that they had to tell everyone all the stories, as a kind of confessional.
approved Apr 15 2005, submitted Jan 29 2005 by Luke Tansey
In primary school, we had an assembly about a serial shitter. He had pooed three times, like a fairy tale. Once on the foor, once in the urinal and once in the sink.

In the end, if was discovered that it was a Year 1 pupil who'd done it, which was a bit of a let-down. We'd previously assumed it was a work of genius, but knowing a five-year-old had done it just seemed childish.
approved Oct 3 2011, submitted Nov 4 2003 by Luke Tansey
The more intelligent kids would mime picking up the card, looking at it and then saying "There's been a terrible mistake, this card has your name on it. And a little photo of you bumming your dad."
approved Dec 4 2003, submitted Nov 3 2003 by Luke Tansey
2p
Game in which you flick a 2p coin at your friend's knuckles and they flick it at yours. The first person to draw blood on all knuckles was the winner.
Missing with the coin and hitting an already bleeding knuckle didn't help you to win, but it did hurt your opponent more.
approved Apr 16 2003, submitted Apr 12 2003 by Luke Tansey
In my area the local tramp was this guy with a bad leg. There was this one bench he slept on and in the end the police taped it off. It had something on it-blood or shit, one of the two-and the poor kids played on it. But one day me and my mates were walking back through town and this nurse told us to buy some milk for him. Before we had a chance to say no, she gave us 2 to buy it. We bought him the crappy milk, and then we ran away. Before he was there, it was a guy named ''Dunken Danny''. He used to stand in the corner of the shopping centre and get pissed. He got hit on the head with a frying pan and died.
approved Apr 24 2003, submitted Apr 12 2003 by Luke Tansey