The Law of the Playground
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keyboard playing, non-existent
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At the beginning of every music lesson we were told to make a composition, and there invariably followed a madcap dash to the end of the corridor where the more expensive keyboards were kept under lock and key. Their appeal lay exclusively in their ability to play 'demo' tracks, utilising every instrument in rendering, for example, the theme from Star Trek or Air On A G-String. When I got my hands on one, I spent the lesson completely engrossed, and when we performed, Pearson played the Beverly Hills Cop, Josh had the chords, and I turned my keyboard off and pretended to play accompaniment on the click-clacks. I got an E, and our teacher died two years later in his classroom, although these two facts aren't connected.
approved May 2 2003, submitted Dec 30 2002 by Buttocks Sweeting
You will need:
- 1 Yamaha PS110 per pupil, with The Entertainer as the feelgood ragtime demonstration tune.
- 1 Soft Music Teacher.
Stage One : Any one class member pretends to lean on the demonstration start button at irregular intervals throughout the lesson. Ensure the volume is at maximum. The surprise this may cause the other pupils in the class may cause them to slip onto their demonstration tune buttons, too.
Stage Two : Use the bonus comic effect of setting the tempo to maximum. Scroll through the different sounds to be had - Trombone was the best - whilst pretending to try and find the stop button. "Eh! It won't stop, miss!"
Stage Three : After the teacher blows her top, it is stylish to remain silent, and bask in the electric atmosphere, knowing that sometime soon, a synthetic trombone rendition of The Entertainer will start up again, at full volume and tempo.
Final Stage : Plug in a set of headphones to an unattended keyboard, and leave The Entertainer on a loop at a barely audible level, and watch innocently as the teacher psychologically degrades throughout the lesson. Once she leaves in hysterical tears, abandon subtlety and start up 30 simultaneous full volume renditions of The Entertainer.
approved Dec 20 2003, submitted Nov 7 2003 by Smiler Smilesy
Raise the volume and tempo on the keyboard to maximum. Then, start the Bossa Nova drum pattern. This will transform a GCSE music class into an impromptu early-90s hardcore techno dance club.
Recreate the rave piano effect by pressing one note with the forefinger of each hand, like a retarded typist.
approved Jul 12 2004, submitted Dec 22 2003 by anonymous user
We had the keyboard that recorded your voice which could then be used to play back all the swear-words, at any pitch you desired. What my mate didn't know was that when the keyboard was left idle for some time the memeory bank would discharge itself in a low slow tone. This happened to be when the class was now quiet after practising, as a Yamaha keyboard responded to its neglect by croaking an angry "fffffuuuuuuccccccckkkkkkk yyyyyyoooooouuuuu".
approved Sep 3 2007, submitted Nov 17 2005 by Mark Hornsby
The "DJ" button on some Yamaha keyboards has to be the greatest ever button ever made ever, anywhere, on anything.

Pressing it unleashes a loud shout of "DJ!", which for some strange reason seems to infuriate music teachers. It also changes all the keys to various "DJ" sounds, including several orgasmic moans.

When our music teacher told Alan to press the DJ button until he got bored of it, I think Alan believed he had died and gone to heaven.
approved Jul 25 2006, submitted Jul 25 2006 by Dunc Cameron
It seems that Dunc Cameron's entry about the DJ button has sparked a wave of nostalgia amongst our contributors. Here are just a few (all) of the many (some) we received.
The DJ button is indeed the finest thing ever put on a keyboard. Our Music lessons were a doss at the best of times, but the day we discovered the uses of the DJ button was like finding the Holy Grail.
This culminated in a couple of lads using the moaning sounds to recreate a porn soundtrack. All it really needed was the kid next to them playing a bit of 70s funk guitar, and if you shut your eyes, it'd have been perfect.
(Anonymous user)

The DJ button also infuriated our teacher. When asked to go away and write a composition, those with the new Yamaha keyboards would invariably come back with a mishmash of orgasmic moans, "DJ!" and "Dictionary" (another function). We were eventually banned from using that key.
(Nicky w)

Pressing a certain combination of keys under the DJ setting can produce the phrase "COME ON! YO! MOM!". Which is, frankly, class.
(Andrew Barnes)

I remember that you could push the keys in a certain order to make it cry out "DJ! Push the- dic- dic- dic- OH YEAH- One more time!"
(Bionic Sheep)

And lastly...
I'm still at school, and I'd like to say that making a Yamaha keyboard say "Lesbian!" on the DJ function for an hour every Monday morning brings immense happiness, as well as bragging rights.
(Anonymous user)

So there you have it. The DJ button is OFFICIALLY the best button ever. Not even the off switch on Jimmy Carr's life support machine comes close. - Matt
approved Aug 29 2006, submitted Jul 29 2006 by Bionic Sheep, anonymous user, Nicky w, Andrew Barnes
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