The Law of the Playground
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lunchbox hierarchy
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The elements of a lunchbox are all subject to a scoring system that any child can appraise in seconds. As adults, we may need help with a table.
 SandwichCrispsSnackDrink
5Deep filled, fresh, with two or more meats on wholegrain thick sliced bread.Rippled or otherwise textured luxury snack.Proper Chocolate Bar. Mars, Twix.Can Coke or equivalent
4Real, unprocessed meats on Mighty White.Monster Munch or other highly flavoured crisp.Mid-range chocolate. Penguin.Carton Ribena
3Standard cheese or processed ham on standard white bread.Ready Salted WalkersBudget chocolate. Ace, Taxi, Blue Riband.Pouch Capri Sun
2Elements of sweatiness. Sandwich droops when held by the edge.10p Red Mill snack - Tangy Toms.Fun Size Chocolate. Interpretable as an insult.Tupperware Beaker Robinson's Cordial
1One Kraft Single between two unbuttered slices of a 7p loaf.NoneTwo squares taken from a 500g bar of Dairy Milk. Fruit.Tap Water

Your score, coupled with your social standing, will determing your treatment. For instance, a score of 12 is recommended for victims; any noticeable variance from the absolute average will result in unwelcome attention. For popular children, the higher the score the better. In a geek-friendly environment, fruit may actually be considered acceptable. To be honest, it's a more complicated issue than this arena allows for, and to be even more honest I'm totally bored with the subject. Bye bye.
approved Sep 17 2003, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Leftover fish fingers between paper-thin white bread, Panda Pop and apple, all served in grubby scratched tupperware...
It's bad, isn't it? I know it's bad.
approved Sep 24 2003, submitted Sep 17 2003 by spadge monkey
If the tupperware is tinged orange from some contact with tomatoes many years ago, then yes, I'm afraid it's bad.
approved Sep 25 2003, submitted Sep 24 2003 by anonymous user
Early 80's flask technology was simply not up to the job of keeping water hot enough for lunchtime Pot Noodles, so they were both luke warm AND crunchy.
approved Oct 2 2003, submitted Sep 29 2003 by Andy Mansh
My mum used to make strange sandwiches, such as peanut-butter and bean sprouts or cream-cheese and bits of raw red-pepper. In wholemeal bread of course! Other wise it wouldn't be good for you!
approved Oct 9 2003, submitted Oct 8 2003 by Alma S
Below Viscounts, below Penguins, Bandits, way below Caramacs and as far as you could possibly get from Yo-Yos, were the carob-coated grass and rabbit tod monstrosities that I had to suffer, thanks to my mum's membership of a wholesale wholefood wholly-shit co-op. I was not spared ridicule in the dinner room.
Carob - the chocolate replacement invented by angry vegans to ruin middle-class childhoods.
approved Jun 18 2004, submitted Oct 10 2003 by Matt Fasham
In my opinion, cream cheese and red pepper sandwiches are very nice. However, cheddar cheese and jam isn't. Cheers Dad.
approved Oct 14 2003, submitted Oct 14 2003 by Charlie Webb
The lunch lady tried to make me eat an accidently made lemon curd and ham sandwich. Which was just evil.
approved Oct 23 2003, submitted Oct 16 2003 by Sarah Fung
Should you have a penguin wrapper with the same colour as someone else at your table, correct etiquette dictates that you hold the still wrapped biscuits aloft, with an air of impenetrable brotherhood and superiority.
But watch out - yellow wrappers are gay, and the synergy of two gay wrappers meant that combining their energies would make you triple gay. And two people being triple gay is six times gay, from just two gay wrappers. That sort of spontaneous gay creation could cause a sex-rift, and summon a lesbian made from electricity.
approved Apr 22 2005, submitted Jan 25 2005 by Jon Blyth, Adam Fraiwald
Blue Bounty Bars are objects of desire and great envy - they are amongst the most exotic of all the chocolate bars, thanks to the palm tree on the wrapper. Only Turkish Delight was swankier; so swanky, in fact, that the advert used a real scimitar to open the packet. On the very rare occasion that a Turkish Delight saw the light of day, your friends would often try to emulate this swankiest of unwrappings with a karate chop.
Anyway, the thing is, Red Bounties were gay. And even your classmates taking it off you and throwing it away wouldn't stop you being gay, so they'd have to beat you up to stop you making them gay too.
approved Oct 5 2005, submitted Jun 17 2005 by Dan B, Jon Blyth
These days, especially amongst the urban 4x4 driving community, homemade bread will no doubt have a 'wow' factor. Children with names like 'Oliver' and 'Harvey' and fucking 'Archie' will open their lunchboxes and smugly chomp away on walnut foccacia.

But at rural schools, homemade bread was the epitomy of pikeyness. I mean, your mum can't even afford BREAD? She can barely scrape together the price of flour and yeast? AND A PINCH OF SALT?
approved Sep 22 2007, submitted Oct 25 2005 by Name Withheld, anonymous user
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