The Law of the Playground
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abbot, sexual guru
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Abbot was popular, charming, and irretrievably fixated on all things sexual. Most of what he did and pretty much all he said either referenced or simulated sexual function. A few examples that stick in the memory:

-Enthusiastically and noisily licking a protrusion in the classroom’s plasterboard wall on the basis that it was "a clitoris".

-Jumping in front of the deputy head in the 6th Form common room, bending down low and spreading his arse cheeks apart with his hands. Because (in Abbot's opinion) the deputy head was gay, and would appreciate it.

-Drawing a detailed picture of a naked Mrs Tomalin, with meticulous detail and colouring on her vagina. He labelled this the “Triangle Of Delight” and pretended to pleasure it with his mouth like it was some kind of clitoral plasterboard wall.

-Pretending that a glue stain on the common room window was in fact his semen, which had flown out while he was masturbating. He would simulate the sound of this hot ejaculation by going "SSsssss".

-Serenading Dytham with a song outlining his gayness.

Well, Dytham’s a homosexual
He really is so gay
He likes to get boys on the ground
And roll them in the hay
If you should hear old Dytham
Making such a din
He’ll have got some poor boy’s trousers down
And pushed his penis in


Dytham was not gay, but that's OK - it he was, this song would have been homophobic.

-Proposing to the school council that we should have a swimming pool party in the school pool. When asked to elaborate what that actually involved he said “we just get a mixed group of sixth formers in there and encourage intercourse”

We never had that swimming party.
approved Oct 3 2011, submitted Oct 3 2011 by Bertie Cockroft
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